I have thought about writing this book for so long. Some days it was going to be a survival guide for women who were victims of mental, emotional and narcissistic abuse. Other days it has rolled around in my head as a book on healing and moving forward after divorce and loss. Now 4 years later, it is a book about trusting your instincts, doing what completely scares you and practicing gratitude EVERY DAMN DAY! Oh the abuse and after effects of it will be in here and how the brain heals from PTSD will be sprinkled there, but the theme for my life and and this book have come from two lessons I learned early on in my divorce. The necessity of forgiveness an gratitude in your life on a daily basis are essential to moving forward and healing.
Think of a time in your life when you were the happiest, most authentic version of yourself. Did you just say to yourself...."Oh it was before this or after that"? Most of us have divided or compartmentalized our lives into before and after large, emotionally driven events. Sometimes its easier to have it compartmentalized because we only remember bits and pieces of the event. It's the brains way of coping so it can handle trauma and not become overwhelmed with information. Because trauma changes us. It's how abuse victims survive. We disengage and compartmentalize in order to process what has happened. The chemicals in your brain are recreated for that memory, so whether it is a good or bad memory, you body is reliving it. This is PTSD and it is real.
Understanding abuse in any form requires thought and compassion from those that care about the victim. I admit, understanding a woman who stayed in an abusive relationship was hard for me before January 27th, 2018. The morning I got out of the tub to find I had been abandoned and was now alone. The moments and days that followed felt like I had jumped off a pier into cold water and was slowly drowning. Every so often I was able to come up for air, breath and be calm. It's as if one of my angels (Grandmas) sent me a life preserver to make it through that lesson they knew would be hard to learn. As a tried to wrap my brain around what was happening, the numbness took over and honestly I am glad I don't remember some of what happened before February 12th, 2018. I was disengaged and this is after I came back to South Dakota from Utah. From this point, my life will be after.
God knows I have learned some hard lessons this year. I can't say that I am grateful for the lessons because I wouldn't wish any of them on anyone. However, I can see now the strength that I have gained because of them and I am starting to see glimpses of the 20 something chic I used to be. Damn she was awesome! And I have slowly been piecing my life back together, day by day, minute by minute I live and learn. The after effects of trauma and abuse can be long lasting. You have to learn to trust people, be able to have a conversation with out second guessing everything you say, find friends you can trust with your story because you need to talk and share it.....so many aspects of life do change after you live through the abuse. As the days and months go by and you pick up the piece that is your job here, the piece that is your kids there, eating normally, working out, cleaning your bathroom, putting gas in your car.....ALL of the little pieces that make up your life that you used to do before with a different mindset, you now do after and very much alone.
The days that you feel drained after, which in the beginning of the healing process are many and usually back to back, feel like you are just existing in a fog. Thousand pound weights tied to your feet are what you wear and getting out of bed is exhausting. But you know you are the only person you can rely on and if you don't do this....they win. I made a promise to myself at the end of February that no matter how hard moving forward was going to be, I would do this. My children needed to know I would survive and be a better version of myself after the divorce was final. I could and would move on. It has required me to analyze myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Basically, I have had to find out who I am AFTER. And quite frankly, I didn't like who I was. But with all changes, it takes time and it is a process. So I guess I am a work in process and I am so okay with that because I am learning to love myself and my life! I can't say that I did BEFORE.
As everyone knows, abuse comes in many forms. Physical, mental, emotional and verbal. And sometimes it is perpetuated by a multitude of things and situations. One of the reasons for me to start writing again is because I have come to learn over this last year that mental and emotional abuse is so common and I have several friends whom I have felt worthy to tell my story to and they have shared theirs with me. We learn from one another to grow as people and love again. Again, it's a process of putting pieces back together. Divorce has been our common denominator, but each of our stories have similar traits. But dysfunctional relationships sprinkled with abuse are very much a prevalent part of each story. I guess a question that keeps coming up in our conversations is what happens in this stage of life to make relationships so disposable that giving up and throwing in the towel is better than fixing the problem? This, to me, is how things work. Just because a car has a flat tire, you don't junk it....you either fix the tire or get a replacement. But you don't junk the car! Some people prefer to trade the car in though. And, that is just how they work. It doesn't mean it's right or wrong, it just is.
As I go through this process and write more, I hope that some of the things resonate with some of you. I have been inspired to find my blog and write because it is therapeutic and it helps me to think. Dr. Brene' Brown has said, "If we share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive." Shame is a big part of healing because we always believe we could've/should've done better. But we can't control other peoples actions. This I know for fact, because I've tried. What I do know to be true is that in my healing process, sharing my story, owning it and speaking my truth have carried me further that I imagined I could be 8 or 9 months ago. I know the part I played in the failure of my marriage, and I own that and speak it. This is how I am healing.
I want for anyone reading this to know that I will always listen if you need to talk and be willing to help you with any situation. If you friend request me on Facebook or message me, let me know you read this...because we can talk. I will listen and help if needed. Love to each and every friend and family member who has helped me on this journey. I have reconnected with some old friends and found some amazing new ones. Each one are very important and I am grateful for this part of my AFTER.
Love,
Shelly
