Intentional living

Who are you?  What are your core values and do you live by them?  What makes you get out of bed every morning? These questions have rattled around in my brain for eighteen months now.  Although the questions change frequency, they hit me at the strangest moments. My perception of who I thought I was and who I am finding out that I truly am has been and still is a process.  Because let's face it, when you have your identity taken away and you are sitting on your living room couch thinking to yourself...this can not be my life!  It's time to change direction and if it isn't voluntarily....life will manifest the change for you!

For the last year and a half I have been reading books.  Lots of books. Books that will help me change and grow and become the best version of me that can be.  I have read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and Co-Dependant No More by Melody Beattie.  I have turned to Dr. Brene' Brown when I became a little stronger and needed direction on how to deal with feelings. When my anxiety started to get the best of me and I felt the world spinning, a friend recommended The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield so I could understand that coincidence and synchronicity are all up to the Universe and we need to be open and let things flow to us that are meant for us. Let go of control basically. Each one of these authors and books has added to my life and thought process in some way over the course of this time and shaped the way I interact with people on a different level.  I have learned to trust my intuition so much more and understand how energy flows through us all. 

With the highs and lows of learning, comes the time when I reflect. On my life, my values and all of the bull shit and chaos I create.  I get caught up in my past and what I didn't do or didn't finish because I was either to fearful of rejection or blamed my ex for moving us so much.  And at fifty....I feel like I am racing against a clock to do and finish all of those things!  The sense of urgency is enormous and almost overwhelming.  Logically I know I can't relive my past or change it.  And I can't live in the past by doing things I feel I never had time for because living in the past is wasteful, exhausting and puts us on a path of sorrow, not growth.  We can't go back, no matter how much we want to recreate it!

Which leads me to intention.  Intention is the outcome of all of our decisions and choices.  In order to have the outcome of a situation that we desire, our intention for that situation needs to be clear and concise.  It also needs to have PURPOSE!  When we lead our lives with purpose and intention we are literally creating the life that we want.  We are owning our stories and writing the chapters how we want them to unfold! There is a quote by Oprah Winfrey that is written on my mirror in my bathroom about intention. 

"Intention is one with cause and effect. Intention determines outcome. And if you are stuck, and not moving forward, you have to check the thought and action that created the circumstance."- Oprah Winfrey 

For example, dating websites.  This has been a whole new brand of hell I have come to know.  I have to admit I was on several of them.  In South Dakota there were a couple that were more widely used so I had accounts on them.  Then I moved to Utah and there are different ones used here. So sure, I opened up five accounts one time just to see what would happen.  Chaos, that's what happened! Complete overwhelming chaos and enough inappropriate pictures, propositions and ghosting to last me a lifetime. This is when I had to get honest about my intentions and was I willing and ready to venture out into this land of dating? I tried it for a hot minute.  It was awful and I came to realize, I couldn't change the past or relive it no matter how much dating I did. I came to the conclusion, my intent wasn't clear and concise and I needed to stop creating chaos in my life.  If I looked at what I wanted my outcome to be, my intent did not align with that. It was self sabotage at it's finest.  

And now, I am off all of the websites and I am trying to live intentionally.  When I reference The Four Agreements, and truly using them as a guide, I am on the path to living with intent.  

1. Be impeccable with your word

2. Don't take anything personally

3. Never assume

4. Always do your best

This is the purpose I want in my life, the intent to always be impeccable with my word will have the outcome of others always knowing where I stand and what part they play in my life.  No guessing or questions, just honesty and truth. Obviously this is just one aspect, but the snowball effect of aligning with them all will be immeasurable.

In the morning when I wake up, I am going to ask myself those three questions again and my answers will be slightly different.  Who am I? Well today my answer is that I am a woman who is strong willed, smart, funny and has survived some situations I wouldn't wish on anyone.  I have learned from those situations to be more loving and open with those I care about.  My identity is no longer tied to other people and simply being labeled wife and mom. No, I am much more complex and amazing. Eighteen months ago, I don't think I could have said that.  Growth is always on the other side of fear and it's a beautiful thing.

How long until I learn to deal?

I have been told, "Your past doesn't define you."  "When are you going to stop being a victim?" "Healing takes time and is a process."  All of the statements are accurate and true.  However, I have never been a patient person and after a year of trying to "heal" and 'get my shit together" I have come to the conclusion that I; #1 will never be completely healed and understand some of the crap that has danced it's way into my life and #2 my shit will never be together.  There!  I said it!  And guess what?  I am totally ok with not having it all together and being completely healed because I am human! This imperfect, forgiving, kind, and unorganized person is human and has made some really bad decisions over the course of her life and she is learning how to DEAL with them......not heal from them.  Because every bad decision, every word said in anger, every tear that has been shed has lead me to where I am right now. This is where I am and this is the path I am on. 

My question now is "How long until I learn to deal?" Over the course of the last couple of months, I have had interactions and seen people from when I was a young woman.  It has been fun to visit and talk to those who, "knew me when..". But it has also brought to the surface some not so fond memories that I have pushed down and ignored for years.  We all have those right?  Pieces of our childhood, adolescents, and early adult years that we would like to forget and not have resurface. I have found myself questioning decisions that I am making now, people I have in my circle and what in the hell was I thinking moving back to Utah?


 Last weekend I took a trip by myself to clear my head and do some major life adjustments.  An attempt at getting my shit together yet again. Here is what I came away knowing about myself that shocked me.  I have lived in a constant state of chaos since I was a little girl.  My anxiety started when I was about 10 and I just learned to cope with it.  I didn't know there was another way to live.  I didn't know what calm felt like.  So I have always sought out confusion, chaos and if I couldn't find it, I created it. 

I have always looked for validation in other people instead of taking pride in what I do and say.  Yes, we all enjoy kudos and the occasional compliment. And when you don't get any, you seek it out in all the wrong ways and from the wrong sources.  People who don't genuinely value your spirit or self worth, will tell you whatever you want to hear.  I have found this out the hard way, you would think I could learn that one and not have to repeat it...nope!

Lastly, I don't ever want to disappoint anyone and have a terrible time saying no and "This isn't working for me." Heaven forbid I should do what is best for me! Honestly, I don't know what that would look like or feel like. I have talked to so many women who have this pleaser complex and it's almost like an epidemic.  My next thought along those lines is, what kind of example did I set for my children?  This is the thought that brings me to tears every time.  I never showed them or taught them that it was okay to put yourself first and say no when something didn't feel right.  I didn't teach them that not every one is your friend and there will be people who only want to use you.  This is a hard lesson to learn to deal with.

This all brings me back to being imperfect, unorganized and living a messy life.  Living day to day and learning how to give myself grace.  Because I am the only one that can do that and I can only feel what is inside of me.  The choices to be happy, to be strong, to be at peace and to show kindness to others can only come from a place inside of me where I know that I am okay with who I am.  And learning to rumble with those revelations this weekend will take some time, patience and love.....from myself for myself.

Peeling off the mask

As children we are raised to be pleasers and peacemakers. Over the course of our life we add different masks to who we are. The different layers that we have of masks never allow us to be completely at ease with the real and true person who is underneath all of those masks. Whether it be the mask of being a parent or being a spouse or a son or daughter. We have masks of the person that we are at our jobs and with our different friends and family. There are all these different people that we are supposed to be and yet the world tells us that we need to be our authentic and real self. which makes it really difficult because we have never had the opportunity to be the real us! It's frustrating and exhausting! 

This weekend, I'm taking advantage of some time that I need to figure out who I am again. Over the course of the last two weeks I have been thinking more and more about being strong enough to say what I am thinking without any fear of reactions or repercussions. I've realized that I have been living out of fear for so long I don't know how to be me. This makes me really sad for the 22 year-old that I used to be who was such a strong-willed badass and she sacrificed so much for everyone else. She got lost in the chaos. So, I'm taking this weekend to be on my own and do a lot of thinking. Thinking about what I want, what I need and what I know to be true. So in essence I'm peeling off all of the masks. I'm not necessarily finding myself I'm just peeling off the layers that have suffocated me for too damn many years.

Expectations

Now that 2019 is here, what are your resolutions?  Exercise more, eat less, get healthy.....all of the things we should do on a daily basis become life goals and usually are forgotten by Easter.  So what does that do to our self esteem and belief in our ability to follow through?  Our self worth is whittled away and little by little, our expectations of our abilities is almost non existent and we just give up and stop trying to be better versions of ourselves. Why do we do that to the one person that is the most important? 

There is a quote from the book entitled The Five Invitations by Frank Osteseski that reads; "Welcome everything, push away nothing".  Meaning, welcome all the events in your life with no reservations or expectations. Take risks, build your self esteem and find the lessons that come from every experience and learn them.  Life goals and resolutions set us up for failure.  By having a marker we have to meet to achieve the goals, we focus on just the goal.  We don't experience the journey along the way to the goal.  Think about the yearly resolutions for the year.  One year, when I was a business owner, I made a goal to make X amount in sales of product. I had set up monthly goals that I thought were attainable and for the first three months of the year, I hit my goals! On month four I was slightly behind by the end of the month, but not much and month five....not even close and I gave up the goal.  What I didn't realize while I was so focused on the sale was that in the process and experience of educating my clients, I was forming relationships and lifelong friendships with people.  People who trusted what I was telling them and expected me to know what I was talking about and educating them about.  All of which I did know, but I look back on all that I missed in the moments that we were together laughing and talking.  I don't believe in having regrets (as per the name of my blog) but let me say that by looking back it has taught me to welcome each and every experience and opportunity that comes my way.  The key to this is to be open and let the gifts flow to you and through you. 

The last three months have been a roller coaster in my life.  Figuratively and somewhat literally when you count the amount of flights and driving across Wyoming and South Dakota that I have done. By the end of December 2018 I had lost a job, interviewed for two others in Sioux Falls that I was later offered, flown to Utah for Christmas and moved into a new town home that I was in the process of buying in Brandon South Dakota. Now, by the end of February 2019, I will have moved back to Utah, start working at a salon March 11th and living with one of my dearest friends until my job and life start moving forward more.  Had all of this happened three months ago I would probably be a hot mess.  Which has happened a time or two in the last month, but I have learned to take things as they come and understand that my support system of friends and family more than want me to succeed and I need to honor them and LET them help when I need it.  STOP expecting so much from myself and others when they don't know what my expectations are because I am not a great communicator.  Shocking, I know!  It is essential for me to let opportunity flow and not try to control it, label it or understand it.  Just be patient and let it happen.  And OH MY HELL that is hard for me!  Welcome everything, push away nothing. Because I can tell you, if there are experiences and opportunities that come to you that feel right and just flow like they are supposed, they are meant to happen to you and for you.  Let them be and embrace them. No expectations, just love. What you put out, I guarantee you will get back. And don't we all want to have that positive energy coming back to us? I know I do....and all of that comes from love. But that is another book with a different title that I write about next.  

Peace and love my friends.