Intentional living

Who are you?  What are your core values and do you live by them?  What makes you get out of bed every morning? These questions have rattled around in my brain for eighteen months now.  Although the questions change frequency, they hit me at the strangest moments. My perception of who I thought I was and who I am finding out that I truly am has been and still is a process.  Because let's face it, when you have your identity taken away and you are sitting on your living room couch thinking to yourself...this can not be my life!  It's time to change direction and if it isn't voluntarily....life will manifest the change for you!

For the last year and a half I have been reading books.  Lots of books. Books that will help me change and grow and become the best version of me that can be.  I have read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and Co-Dependant No More by Melody Beattie.  I have turned to Dr. Brene' Brown when I became a little stronger and needed direction on how to deal with feelings. When my anxiety started to get the best of me and I felt the world spinning, a friend recommended The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield so I could understand that coincidence and synchronicity are all up to the Universe and we need to be open and let things flow to us that are meant for us. Let go of control basically. Each one of these authors and books has added to my life and thought process in some way over the course of this time and shaped the way I interact with people on a different level.  I have learned to trust my intuition so much more and understand how energy flows through us all. 

With the highs and lows of learning, comes the time when I reflect. On my life, my values and all of the bull shit and chaos I create.  I get caught up in my past and what I didn't do or didn't finish because I was either to fearful of rejection or blamed my ex for moving us so much.  And at fifty....I feel like I am racing against a clock to do and finish all of those things!  The sense of urgency is enormous and almost overwhelming.  Logically I know I can't relive my past or change it.  And I can't live in the past by doing things I feel I never had time for because living in the past is wasteful, exhausting and puts us on a path of sorrow, not growth.  We can't go back, no matter how much we want to recreate it!

Which leads me to intention.  Intention is the outcome of all of our decisions and choices.  In order to have the outcome of a situation that we desire, our intention for that situation needs to be clear and concise.  It also needs to have PURPOSE!  When we lead our lives with purpose and intention we are literally creating the life that we want.  We are owning our stories and writing the chapters how we want them to unfold! There is a quote by Oprah Winfrey that is written on my mirror in my bathroom about intention. 

"Intention is one with cause and effect. Intention determines outcome. And if you are stuck, and not moving forward, you have to check the thought and action that created the circumstance."- Oprah Winfrey 

For example, dating websites.  This has been a whole new brand of hell I have come to know.  I have to admit I was on several of them.  In South Dakota there were a couple that were more widely used so I had accounts on them.  Then I moved to Utah and there are different ones used here. So sure, I opened up five accounts one time just to see what would happen.  Chaos, that's what happened! Complete overwhelming chaos and enough inappropriate pictures, propositions and ghosting to last me a lifetime. This is when I had to get honest about my intentions and was I willing and ready to venture out into this land of dating? I tried it for a hot minute.  It was awful and I came to realize, I couldn't change the past or relive it no matter how much dating I did. I came to the conclusion, my intent wasn't clear and concise and I needed to stop creating chaos in my life.  If I looked at what I wanted my outcome to be, my intent did not align with that. It was self sabotage at it's finest.  

And now, I am off all of the websites and I am trying to live intentionally.  When I reference The Four Agreements, and truly using them as a guide, I am on the path to living with intent.  

1. Be impeccable with your word

2. Don't take anything personally

3. Never assume

4. Always do your best

This is the purpose I want in my life, the intent to always be impeccable with my word will have the outcome of others always knowing where I stand and what part they play in my life.  No guessing or questions, just honesty and truth. Obviously this is just one aspect, but the snowball effect of aligning with them all will be immeasurable.

In the morning when I wake up, I am going to ask myself those three questions again and my answers will be slightly different.  Who am I? Well today my answer is that I am a woman who is strong willed, smart, funny and has survived some situations I wouldn't wish on anyone.  I have learned from those situations to be more loving and open with those I care about.  My identity is no longer tied to other people and simply being labeled wife and mom. No, I am much more complex and amazing. Eighteen months ago, I don't think I could have said that.  Growth is always on the other side of fear and it's a beautiful thing.