How long until I learn to deal?

I have been told, "Your past doesn't define you."  "When are you going to stop being a victim?" "Healing takes time and is a process."  All of the statements are accurate and true.  However, I have never been a patient person and after a year of trying to "heal" and 'get my shit together" I have come to the conclusion that I; #1 will never be completely healed and understand some of the crap that has danced it's way into my life and #2 my shit will never be together.  There!  I said it!  And guess what?  I am totally ok with not having it all together and being completely healed because I am human! This imperfect, forgiving, kind, and unorganized person is human and has made some really bad decisions over the course of her life and she is learning how to DEAL with them......not heal from them.  Because every bad decision, every word said in anger, every tear that has been shed has lead me to where I am right now. This is where I am and this is the path I am on. 

My question now is "How long until I learn to deal?" Over the course of the last couple of months, I have had interactions and seen people from when I was a young woman.  It has been fun to visit and talk to those who, "knew me when..". But it has also brought to the surface some not so fond memories that I have pushed down and ignored for years.  We all have those right?  Pieces of our childhood, adolescents, and early adult years that we would like to forget and not have resurface. I have found myself questioning decisions that I am making now, people I have in my circle and what in the hell was I thinking moving back to Utah?


 Last weekend I took a trip by myself to clear my head and do some major life adjustments.  An attempt at getting my shit together yet again. Here is what I came away knowing about myself that shocked me.  I have lived in a constant state of chaos since I was a little girl.  My anxiety started when I was about 10 and I just learned to cope with it.  I didn't know there was another way to live.  I didn't know what calm felt like.  So I have always sought out confusion, chaos and if I couldn't find it, I created it. 

I have always looked for validation in other people instead of taking pride in what I do and say.  Yes, we all enjoy kudos and the occasional compliment. And when you don't get any, you seek it out in all the wrong ways and from the wrong sources.  People who don't genuinely value your spirit or self worth, will tell you whatever you want to hear.  I have found this out the hard way, you would think I could learn that one and not have to repeat it...nope!

Lastly, I don't ever want to disappoint anyone and have a terrible time saying no and "This isn't working for me." Heaven forbid I should do what is best for me! Honestly, I don't know what that would look like or feel like. I have talked to so many women who have this pleaser complex and it's almost like an epidemic.  My next thought along those lines is, what kind of example did I set for my children?  This is the thought that brings me to tears every time.  I never showed them or taught them that it was okay to put yourself first and say no when something didn't feel right.  I didn't teach them that not every one is your friend and there will be people who only want to use you.  This is a hard lesson to learn to deal with.

This all brings me back to being imperfect, unorganized and living a messy life.  Living day to day and learning how to give myself grace.  Because I am the only one that can do that and I can only feel what is inside of me.  The choices to be happy, to be strong, to be at peace and to show kindness to others can only come from a place inside of me where I know that I am okay with who I am.  And learning to rumble with those revelations this weekend will take some time, patience and love.....from myself for myself.